


How to be a Chair

by orphan_account



Category: Bee Movie (2007), Gorillaz, Mr Roger's Neighborhood, Noddy, Overwatch (Video Game), Samurai Jack (Cartoon), Shrek (Movies), Trisha Paytas - Fandom, Youtubers
Genre: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), Beach Episode, Crack, Cringe, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluffy, Like, Long, M/M, Multi, NYAA, No Angst, No Smut, Oh god, Pies, So Much Cringe, a lot of cats, cliche dance scene, crazy frog by axel f, fidget spinners - Freeform, gay af, guys in speedos, i am writing this in schooll, i don't know if people are going to like this asdfghjl, just love, katsu will be in this, lots of love, noddy is a big boy, outdated memes, shrek and murdoc love each other, so many things, so many unfunny jokes, super long, the entire fate of gay fanfiction and the entirety of the fanfiction world will crumble, this is appropriate for school, this is going to be super, this is super crack, unfunny jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-11-09 19:20:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11111166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A story about love and friendship.





	1. Chapter 1

It all started on a summer day. The sun was shining bright, it’s rays hitting the tall green grass, and the lovely birds all sung their beautiful tunes of different melodies. A man was walking on a dirty sidewalk, that was chipped and covered in chalk drawings. He had his hands in his pockets, and was sulking as he walked.

This is our main character. His name is Oogre Niccals. He had light green skin, black oily hair that shimmered in the moonlight, light blue eyes, blonde eyelashes, and wore leather jackets and studded boots and fishnets. He wore an onion necklace that had a lot of jewels on it. He was pretty freaking hot, like super hot. 

He was walking to school, acting very cool. He smirked at all the guys who stared at him, very jealous of his swagger. (#sweg) All the girls swooned for him, thinking that he was sooo hot. Normally he wouldn’t walk to school, as his rich dads would just get him a limo. However, he refused this time around, because he wanted to show off his swagger.

His dads were Shrek and Murdoc Niccals from the band the Grillz. Becuz he was in a band, he was super rich, and shrek was also rich cause he was in a popular movie franchise. His dads were both green and loved each othr very much. They loved their son too, and spoiled him. Oogre had no other relatives other than his uncle Donkey, his uncle 2D, his uncle rissel, and his auntie noodle, who had a wife named taffydillathethirdthefourththebest, though people just called her taffy. His family was all very rich and cool just like him.

Oogre went up to his equally cool, but not as cool as him friends. One of his friends was a bee and human hybrid named Buzzy Bee. He looked human, but had wings, an antennae, and skinny legs and arms. He had long black hair, pink highlights, grey cat ears, pink dress, black eyeliner, yeezies, and a grey cat tail. His dad was Barry Bee, who was in the popular movie The Bee Movie. His mom is Vanessa Bloome, who married Barry Bee cause she was in the movie with him.

Truth be told, Oogre had the hugest crush on Buzzy. That beautiful hair, the cat outfit, those lovely blue eyes….they mesmerized Oogre. He would never tell Buzzy, however, for the fear of being rejected by his one true love. He has only told his other best friend, Riasa Paytas. Riasa was the daughter of Trisha Paytas. The dad is unknown, as Trisha has hooked up with so many people that it’s just impossible to know now. She looks exactly like Trisha, except she has black hair thats super long, and is super swegger. 

Riasa always tried to hook up Buzzy and Oogre, and was their number one shipper. So when he came up to them, she immediately pulled him over, leaving Buzzy alone. Buzzy sighed, deciding to instead talk to his fans about the latest movie his father was in, called The Bee Movie 4.

“Oogreeeeeee, when ye gon hook up wit Buz?”, she said in her Scottish accent. Her accent changes all the time. Today it was Scottish. “It’s bin fifty ‘ears.” She flipped her long black hair, and took out a big stick of lipstick. She smeared it on her lips, and then flipped her hair again. She was just like her mother. The boys were running up to her, wanting to talk to her. She sighed and ignored them. 

“I don’t know when I can, ok?”. Oogre had a mix between a scottish accent and a british accent. “I’m just not ready….besides he probably doesn’t like me. There are hotter boys out there.” A bunch of his fans ran up to him. He was signing yearbooks while still talking to Riasa.

“Hotta boys? No there ain’t any ‘otter boys then you Oogre! Think ‘bout it. The ‘ottest boyz in the school are you and buz”

“And there is also Hanzo and Noddy and Jashi and ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)! Have you seen ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)! He’s so freaking hot! Everytime he comes to class he makes all the boys turn gay.”

“Yeah, but yer also a celbirty and rich jus lik Buz. Yer perf for ‘im. Yer went to Celebrity Preschool with him, for gods sake!”

Oogre sighed then. “Fine. But first I’ll need advice from my family.” The bell rang, which meant they had to go to first period. “I’ll see ya at lunch!”


	2. Chapter 2

Oogre went in his diamond lime limo as he left school. Riasa waved him goodbye. Buzzy had left home early because he got his glitter gold slime in his hair. 

“Hello Mr. Rogers”

He groaned at the sound of Oogre’s voice. Mr. Roger’s did not like Oogre. Ever since his show got cancelled, he had to be the Niccals limo driver. He did not like the green family at all.

Oogre was still nice to him however, because his fathers told him to. If his fathers hadn’t, he would have berated and kicked Mr. Rogers for groaning at him. He did not like Mr. Rogers. As he sat in the car, he texted Riasa.

Me: im going to tell my dads about my crush on buzzy.  
Riasa: nyaaa~ good luck oogre san~ i hope ur parents are supportive~~~ ^-^  
Me: my parents are gay you idiot

Oogre stepped out of the limo, and then went into his 4,000 floored mansion. A hundreds of servants greeted him at the door. They took his coat, took his bag, and escorted him to the gold elevator where he would see his parents on floor 3,201.

He stepped on the gold tiles as he walked to the balcony. There were his dads, in the large diamond plated hot tub. They held wine glasses in their hands, and were chatting quietly. Oogre had to smile. His parents were very much in love with each other.

“Hello dad! Hello daddy!” He smiled brightly at his dads. 

They both smiled when they saw his sons. “Hello Oogre sweetie!” Said Murdoc. He got out of the bath, put on his clothes, and hugged his son. Shrek joined him. “We missed you at school.”

“I missed you too. Hey who’s that?”

Oogre saw a girl come out from behind him. She had the most beautiful hair, and big eyebrows. Her eyebrows were llike catterpillars. They were apollo 11 and exploded. Her eyes were huge. She wore a trasher shirt with mom jeans. She wore gucci flip flops. She held two gold fidget spinners in her hands. Her face was all from sephora. She puckered her lips, strutting as she came up to Murdoc and massaged his meaty shoulders.

“This is Linesi. She is a family friend.” 

Linesi kissed Murdoc on the cheek, slobbering her lipstick. This made Shrek extremely mad. Her lipstick was Coco by Kylie Jenner. 

“Anyway Oogre dear, what is it that you want? A new golden fidget spinner with diamonds? Maybe a new ferrari? Special green foundation? Maybe something gucci?” Murdoc smiled at the boy, and Linesi kissed him more.

“Dad it’s ok, I don’t need another fidget spinner. I already have 1,000,000,000,000. I actually need something else….I need advice.”

Shrek got annoyed of Linesi, and wanted to kick her. Then all of a sudden, a boy with side swept hair and a cardigan strapped on his shoulder and he wore a vest and his pants were khakis and he wore loafers. His dad was sir mighty might bite. He was a lawyer. His name was average white boy.

“Hey Linesi baby. Your makeup looks beautiful.” He kissed her, getting foundation on his lips. He licks it, saying yum. “Let’s go to my yahct and maybe do some competitive vaping.” She smiles brightly, grabbing him by the leg and dragging him out of the balcony.

“Bai Murdy! I’ll see you at my mansion! We can play checkers while watching dance moms!” She then left. Shrek seemed satisfied now.

Oogre ignored all of this, focusing on what he wanted to say. He looked at Murdoc nervously.

“What advice do you want son?”, he said. He looked at him with a worried expression. His thicc eyebrows were squashed. 

“Ok dad, please don’t freak out when I tell you this….I like Buzzy”.

Of course they freaked out.They had been shipping his son with Buzzy ever since they became friends at Celebrity Preschool. They had always wanted their son to be with Buzzy. They even drew fanart and wrote fanfiction. They exchanged their fanart and fanfiction every Tuesday night. It was a ritual at this point. They never told Oogre of course, in fear that he actually liked someone else.

“Daaaddyyyyy! Daaaaaaad! Stoooooop!!”

“We’re sorry son it’s just-”, Murdoc started.

“-we always wanted you to be with him. He’s such a nice guy.”

“Can I continue please?” Oogre pouted. “Ok, so here’s the thing though. I haven’t told Buzzy that I like him. To be honest, I don’t even know if he likes me...I need advice on how I can ask him out and stuff.”

“Oh, well son…” Murdoc scratched his head, and so did Shrek. They both looked sheepish. “We don’t know how to ask people on dates, son…”

“What! But you’re married!”

“We never went on dates. We just go out together. When I see Murdoc, and he sees me, we just know, you know?”. Shrek sighed deeply. “Our love is weird.”

“Well, you can always ask auntie noodle and taffy. They’re romance is super cliche and daty and stuff. They might know.”

“Oh! You’re right! I’ll go ask them. Thanks daddy and dad!”

Oogre ran out from the balcony. Shrek chuckled.

“He’s just like you Muddy.”

“And you too Shreky boo.”


	3. Chapter 3

taffy and noodle’s love was very interesting. It was out of a Hayley Kiyoko music video. taffy was an award winning director, and she did directed such classics as furry titanic, furry jaws, and her personal favorite, we yiff you a merry christmas. taffy wasn’t a furry but hollywood forced her to write furry movies because hollywood sucks. noodle was in the grillz with Murdoc. They both lived in a pale pink mansion, with hundreds of cats everywhere. They both loved cats, and the cats loved them.

As oogre came out of his limo, a black and white cat almost tripped him. The cat meowed at him, and then ran away, probably to warn the other cats about his arrival. He was texting riasa as he got out of the car. 

Me: going to taffy and noodle’s house now  
Riasa: oooo nyaa~ good luck to you nyaa nyaa~ tell the kawaiis I love dem -~-  
Me: ok

More cats walked to him, curious. It had been a few years since he came to their house, so there must have been new cats now. The cat meowed at him as he walked through the pretty front yard. The yard had pink and gold flowers, with willow trees here and there. The grass was cut neatly. Golden benches rested under the trees. Cats resided everywhere, making it seem like a cat heaven.

He knocked on the rose gold doors of his aunt’s house. Instantly a maid came in, holding champagne. She was wearing an anime maid outfit, but she looked snotty and prissy. Her blonde hair was in a bun.

“Do you have an appointment with miss dilla or miss noodle?”

“Uh….” He had forgotten to bring the pass to visit his aunts! Her aunts were super rich, so they needed passes or else random people would come in. He was about to freak out.

“Well, I guess I have to-”

“valerie darling, don’t be such a priss! that’s my nephew, you know.”

A long black haired, brown eyes woman came pushed aside the maid. She has super long eyelashes, perfect eyeliner, blue eyeshadow, red lipstick, and a perfect contoured face that looked natural. She wore a shimmering blue dress that went down to the floor, with diamonds on it. She had a white fur scarf on, and on her head she wore a diamond tiara. She had a rich french girl accent.

“oh, come in oogre sweety! watch your step, you almost stepped on mittens.” A cat with black paws hissed at Oogre, then ran away. “he’s a bit aggresive, just ignore him. noodle and i were having our daily champagne run! come come!”

He went into the living room, which had golden couches with diamond. Sat on one of the couches was noodle. Despite being older now, she still looked twenty seven. She had her signature black hair, but she wore a crown on it. She had so many jewels on her she glistened. She was wearing the same clothes she wore in the famous music video DARE. She was holding a wine glass with champagne in it. She smiled as she saw Oogre.

“oh hello oogre! you look so nice today! i like your hair!”

Oogre chuckled. “Thanks auntie noodle.” noodle did not particularly liked Murdoc, preferring 2D (who she affectionately calls too-chee) and Rissel. She loved Oogre, however. Oogre sat down on the couches. A bunch of cats went on him. taffy also sat down, with even more cats on her.

“so, oogre sweetie, what is it that you desire?”, taffy asked, sipping on champagne from a fancy wine glass. They smiled brightly at him. “a new golden minecraft diamond sword with diamonds? maybe a new lamborghini? special green foundation with sparkles? maybe something gucci?”

“It’s ok auntie, I already have 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 swords. I need advice on something. You guys are good at romance, right?”

taffy spit out her drink, feeling offended. “of course we are! noodle and i have been in love for ages.” They both looked at each other affectionately. 

“Sorry aunties! I should have known! Ok here it goes….please don’t react...I like Buzzy.”

They didn’t react, which made Oogre feel relieved. They both stared at each other, then looked back at him. They seemed to share this weird lesbian aura, which makes them become the ultimate love gurus. 

“have you told him?”, noodle asked him.

“N-No...I’m scared he won’t want to date me.”

taffy grabbed him by the face, and shook him around. “listen to me sweetheart. you have to tell him. ask him out. take the risk! trust me, it will kill you inside if you don’t tell him. promise me sweetie….promise me that you will tell him once you see him. please! you must do this! for the future of all gay fanfiction!”

Why was she suddenly so demanding? “Uh….ok. I will I promise.”

“great! now do you want some juice? i need to show you my newest cats!”

Oh great.


	4. Chapter 4

After talking about taffy’s and noodle’s 1,00,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 cats, Oogre felt exhausted. He just wanted to go back to his diamond bedroom and take a long nap. 

However, he saw someone that he didn’t expect to see. It was Buzzy, looking nervous as he approached Oogre. Oogre wasn’t in a limo, as he just wanted to walk. He didn’t want to deal with Mr. Rogers. 

He didn’t need to talk to Buzzy first, as Buzzy spoke to him first. 

“H-Hey Oogre…”, he said in his high pitched voice. He played with his emo hair, looking very cute. Oogre blushed deeply. He forgot how beautiful Buzzy really was. His long hair was looking extra fine today, as it was curled. He was wearing a shimmering purple dress on, and had a lot of jewels on him.

“Hey Buzz….what’s up?” Oogre awkwardly played with his greasy black hair, looking at Buzzy with shy blue eyes.

“Just came back from a party at my house. We have a party everyday so. It was insane. I left once everyone started making out with each other…” He played with his hair again, not sure what to say.

“That’s great….say, Buzzy-”

“Wanna go to the dance with me?”

Buzzy had asked this so suddenly that it shocked Oogre. He stared at his crush for a moment, eyes wide, then he asked, “What dance?”

“Didn’t Riasa tell you? Th-There was a dance...and I want to go with you. Oogre...I’ve liked you for a long time. I’m sorry this is so sudden, but your parents and my parents and Riasa and your weird aunts and uncle 2D and uncle russel and uncle donkey and even Riasa’s mom told me to tell you which is so weird cause she freaking hates me because of the honey incident and well I just had to ask you and god this is like out of a really bad fanfiction oh jesus this is so rushed oh my god uh anyway uh I’m rambling shoot-”

Oogre shut him up by suddenly kissing him on his pink lipstick lips. Buzzy’s eyes widened, but then he leaned into the kiss. They both held each other as they kissed deeply. In the background, fireworks were shooting up and around them. The moon shined brightly. It was like destiny, like they were meant for each other. Like if they weren’t a couple, then the fate of gay fanfiction and the entirety of the fanfiction world would crumble under them.

It felt like it had been hours once they broke away. Oogre held Buzzy’s face, and smiled at him affectionately. He rubbed his thumb on his cheek.  
“W-Wow….that felt amazing Oogre…”

He chuckled. “You know, that was my first kiss with a guy…”

“Oh really?” Buzzy raised an eyebrow. “You’re really good.”

Oogre blushed. “Wow....thank you….”

Meanwhile, taffy and riasa were fighting a bunch of fangirls in their house. They had big anime swords and huge armor that made them look huge. 

“why are they here?”, noodle said, easily killing one of the fangirls with her big baby blue sword with glowing blue lights and Crazy Frog by Axel F is playing from it.

“it’s because oogre and buzzy haven’t kissed yet. they need to kiss soon! or else the entire fate of gay fanfiction and the entirety of the fanfiction world will crumble under them, and these fangirls will kill us!”, taffy replied. “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”, she screamed out as a fangirl hit her stomach. 

“babe! Nooo!”

Then suddenly, the fangirls disappeared. Then they heard the fireworks. Their timezone is different so they heard the fireworks really really late.

“omg!! they finally kissed! we are saved!!!”

“now it’s time for the cliche beach episode to happen”


	5. Chapter 5

“Hey b-babe…”, Buzzy stuttered to Oogre.

Oogre looked up from the homework he was doing about geometry or whatever. He tapped the pencil on the paper as he looked at his boyfriend.

It has been a week since they have been dating each other. The dance was only two weeks away. They had told everyone about their relationship.

Shrek and Murdoc were ecstatic. They were so happy for Oogre. They called everyone they knew to have a party, which was a lot of people, which was everyone that Buzzy and Oogre also knew. The party was lit, and everyone except the underaged of course cause this is for kid’s got drunk.

When Buzzy told his parents, they were also very happy for him. His mother made him a flower crown with exotic flowers from her flower shop. Barry grinned widely as he patted his son’s head (though it was hard when your son was 5’6 and you were an inch). 

2D was a bit confused about their relationship. How could an ogre/human hybrid date a bee/human hybrid? After a bit of explaining about the bees and the ogres, however, 2D understood and was very happy for them.

Rissel was also very happy, and was about to write a song for them with 2D singing. It would be a very dope song cause Russel was making it. Russel is a dope man. A beautiful cinnamon roll. A lovely fellow. Amazing. Perfect. 10/10. Nothing could be changed about Russ-(and it was here that Geeko ((also known as Taffy or Taffydilla)) continued to ramble on about how wonderful Russel was. We, the society of the blind eye, had to cut it off because we hate communism)

noodle and taffy were super happy, and was going to design their dresses for the dance. (yeah dresses, cause they look sexier in them). People noticed blood on them, but they shrugged it off as “the time of the month”. The blood smelled like tumblr, discourse, and fanfiction….

Riasa squealed when they told her. Turns out that everything was actually her idea. She was in the dance committee and all. Her mom, Trisha, just nodded at them when they told her, and just continued to put makeup on. Riasa sighed, almost wanting to hit her mom with a box of french fries that she happened to be holding.

They loved each other, Oogre and Buzzy, and wouldn’t have it any other way. 

“Yeah my tamanegi?”, Oogre replied, flipping his greasy black hair. They looked lovingly at each other, both of their blue eyes sparkling. Buzzy twirled his hair, feeling bashful. 

“W-Well….Riasa, Hanzo, Noddy, Jashi, and ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) are having a beach party with all their other cool friends and well…Riasa invited us.”

“So, you want to go to the beach with me”, Oogre said. 

“Precisely.” 

Oogre smiled brightly, and threw the geometry book. It went out of his diamond balcony, and flew right onto a servant’s head in the garden of roses.

“Let’s go right now then! Screw homework! Screw society! We will not be slaves to our teachers anymore! We will destroy capitalism and every evil it has brought us!” Oogre jumped on the table they were working on, almost breaking it.

“Babe, I think you had too much cups of orange juice.” 

“Sorry tamanegi….I guess you’re right. Anyway can you hold these two cups of orange juice for me while I go get our cute speedos?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> contact me on tumblr (geeko-kat or gorillazaesthetics) if you want to give me your ideas for How to be a Chair


	6. Chapter 6

the end. thats it. it ends here. no more how to be a chair. this fanfic is dead. im sorry


End file.
